Why does this happen? I’ve been exhausted all day but now that it is time for sleep, my brain is flipped on and those old rusty gears are turning. My body is spent. I can’t even find the energy to walk around. But I can sure imaging walking! Walking in a feathery green field on a slightly slopped hill overlooking a mirrored lake with a pastel pebble shore.
I can imagine what I will wear tomorrow. That royal blue silk dress that has the orange, yellow, and green geometric border at the bottom of the hem that falls right above my very pale knees. I need to put some color on my pasty legs. Sometimes I swear they are so white that they are purple.
Sometimes I think that I don’t sleep because I have some sick idea that if I stay up, today won’t end and tomorrow won’t begin. It’s not always on a particularly good day I get this notion either. Sometimes, I just don’t want to face whatever tomorrow has in store for me. Sometimes, I just want to fold inside myself and focus on that little black dot behind my closed eye lids as it dances around in the fluid of my eye. Sometimes, I just don’t want to do this thing – whatever it may be.
But I do. I do it. I do it every day, and I do it with a smile on my face and an incredible amount of hope in my heart. Hope that tonight I won’t want to stay awake. Hope that the little black dot will one day be replaced with a vision of beauty in the darkness. Hope that none of my three kids ever has to fear or resent tomorrow. Then there’s the hope that I wake up.
Good night. I hope.