I’ve been having these almost panicky feelings for about a year now and I can’t help but feel something is about to burst. I am scratching at the walls trying to escape this little box I feel like I have been trapped in. I flip flop between making rash decisions and holding back for the right opportunity; all the while I am drowning myself in what I think is misery because of this weird uneasy feeling I have about myself. I think I hate my job, but I’ve never had a job I loved, so I have no idea what that feeling is. I also have no idea what would make me happy to work. I do know, however that I am not a stay-at-home mom type. Been there, tried that and really did not enjoy it. I know that I do not like working a full day though but I do like getting paid for a full day….. Conundrum.
I’ve read too many inspirational, life changing books which might be part of the reason I am feeling this way. I’ve faced one of my biggest fears and it felt absolutely awesome. I want more. I want to throw caution to the wind and quit my job and become a free spirit making jewelry and flower arrangements. I want to go organic, install solar panels on my roof and reduce my carbon footprint. I want to learn to skate board and surf! I want to be able to wear black fingernail polish without someone asking me if I worship the devil or being called “haram” (Arabic for forbidden) . I want to wear a sleeveless summer dress without everyone staring at me (because heaven forbid your eyes should fall upon bare shoulders). I want to listen to my music too loud and smoke in public without being judged by every single damn person who sees me. I want to walk around the mall with my absolutely awesome son and his 4 inch high Mohawk without everyone looking at us like we are a circus act.
Maybe since I didn’t really rebel when I was a child, my internal teenager is trying to break free now? I don’t know. What I do know is I would love nothing more than to dye the tips of my hair cool-aid red, get about 4 more tattoos in unhidden places, own some black lipstick and paint skulls on the side of my big black government looking momburban. On the flip side, I want to move to the beach, wear my bathing suit all day long and dive and surf all the time. The question is; would I still feel this way if I weren’t here? Is this what I should have gone through 15 years ago, or is this a direct result of living in a conservative and traditional country that revolves around religion (an institution I do not necessarily subscribe to).
OK, so I do take some things and down size them so I can express myself more subtly. I have a stuffed Jack skull from The Nightmare before Christmas hanging from the rear view mirror of my truck. I painted my nails black last night. I get henna tattoos in strange places every opportunity I get. I cuss. Most of my t-shirts have skulls on them and I listen to Marylin Manson sometimes. OK, so I might look like a poser to one of those teen agers/twenty somethings who are free to express themselves at their own leisure, but damn!
Anyone who grew up with me knows that I have had little, if any, opportunity to express myself in any way shape or form because my father had an idea of what kind of a girl I should be and so, I wore a lot of dresses and I had framed art work up on my bed room walls. It wasn’t bad, really. My father has excellent taste and I was frequently complimented fro my wardrobe. I think it is catching up with me now though. It is kind of a little late. I mean, you really don’t want to be going through a phase like this when you are 35. Or maybe you do.