Stir Crazy and the Storm Front

I’ve been having these almost panicky feelings for about a year now and I can’t help but feel something is about to burst. I am scratching at the walls trying to escape this little box I feel like I have been trapped in. I flip flop between making rash decisions and holding back for the right opportunity; all the while I am drowning myself in what I think is misery because of this weird uneasy feeling I have about myself. I think I hate my job, but I’ve never had a job I loved, so I have no idea what that feeling is. I also have no idea what would make me happy to work. I do know, however that I am not a stay-at-home mom type. Been there, tried that and really did not enjoy it. I know that I do not like working a full day though but I do like getting paid for a full day….. Conundrum.

I’ve read too many inspirational, life changing books which might be part of the reason I am feeling this way. I’ve faced one of my biggest fears and it felt absolutely awesome. I want more. I want to throw caution to the wind and quit my job and become a free spirit making jewelry and flower arrangements. I want to go organic, install solar panels on my roof and reduce my carbon footprint. I want to learn to skate board and surf! I want to be able to wear black fingernail polish without someone asking me if I worship the devil or being called “haram” (Arabic for forbidden) . I want to wear a sleeveless summer dress without everyone staring at me (because heaven forbid your eyes should fall upon bare shoulders). I want to listen to my music too loud and smoke in public without being judged by every single damn person who sees me. I want to walk around the mall with my absolutely awesome son and his 4 inch high Mohawk without everyone looking at us like we are a circus act.

Maybe since I didn’t really rebel when I was a child, my internal teenager is trying to break free now? I don’t know. What I do know is I would love nothing more than to dye the tips of my hair cool-aid red, get about 4 more tattoos in unhidden places, own some black lipstick and paint skulls on the side of my big black government looking momburban. On the flip side, I want to move to the beach, wear my bathing suit all day long and dive and surf all the time. The question is; would I still feel this way if I weren’t here? Is this what I should have gone through 15 years ago, or is this a direct result of living in a conservative and traditional country that revolves around religion (an institution I do not necessarily subscribe to).

OK, so I do take some things and down size them so I can express myself more subtly. I have a stuffed Jack skull from The Nightmare before Christmas hanging from the rear view mirror of my truck. I painted my nails black last night. I get henna tattoos in strange places every opportunity I get. I cuss. Most of my t-shirts have skulls on them and I listen to Marylin Manson sometimes. OK, so I might look like a poser to one of those teen agers/twenty somethings who are free to express themselves at their own leisure, but damn!

Anyone who grew up with me knows that I have had little, if any, opportunity to express myself in any way shape or form because my father had an idea of what kind of a girl I should be and so, I wore a lot of dresses and I had framed art work up on my bed room walls. It wasn’t bad, really. My father has excellent taste and I was frequently complimented fro my wardrobe. I think it is catching up with me now though. It is kind of a little late. I mean, you really don’t want to be going through a phase like this when you are 35. Or maybe you do.

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2 thoughts on “Stir Crazy and the Storm Front

  1. Hey there! Just started reading your blog but I have not read much of the older posts so I don't know your history. My first reaction to this post was to work even harder to try to ignore or disregard other people's opinions about you. I think it is obvious that you don't fit in where you are, yet for whatever reason you are there. If you were in a more compatible environment, you would be able to take some of the energy you spend on worrying what other people think and apply it to your own growth. Don't worry about not taking action yet. I am sure you are building up energy to break through to another level. If you plant a healthy seed in a poor soil, what do you expect? Humans are no different. Perhaps you can get some fertilizer? Enjoy your day!

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  2. worshiping the devil is “haram” but wearing black nailpolish just coz you see it pretty or coz you feel like wearing it is not! you should stop caring about what people would say and just do what you feel like doing ..

    love your blog .. xX

    Like

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