7 days ago, I was a different person

There are a few times in life, if you’re lucky, where you have a moment that makes you think “AAHH HAAAA, I finally get it!”

My first AAHH HAAA moment was the day I saw my husband the first time, and I have relived that moment several times over the 16 years we have been together.

There have been other moments too, but my most recent moment has completely turned my life upside down. It all began with me drinking way too much on a Tuesday night after a really crap day at work and agreeing that I would take diving lessons and get my certification. I woke up the next morning thinking “What the hell did I say last night?” then hoping David wouldn’t remember…..

He remembered.

I am terrified of the Ocean. Well, not just the Ocean, but ALL natural water. When I was about 8, my family and I were in Galveston playing in the water and I was stung by several man-to-war. The entire bottom half of my body was covered in the blue and purple stinging creatures and their tentacles were wrapped around my legs. My step-father had to remove some from my legs and we spent an evening in the hospital. It was a traumatic experience. From that day on, I never really went back into the Ocean. I would go with David but I could not let my feet touch the bottom and I hung on his back the entire time. If anything touched my leg, that was it – I did my best impression of David Hasselhoff in the Sponge Bob Movie and was out of the water before you could blink. So, my agreeing to DIVE in the Ocean was HUGE.

So, 7 days ago, I started kitting up to voluntarily get in the Ocean with water above my head, not hanging onto David’s back, and with everything else the lives in the Ocean – weather it touched my legs or not. I was terrified. I cried for about 20 minutes before we got on the boat, but I had to do it. I had to at least see if I could swallow that fear and get in that water.

7 days ago, I was terrified to the point of hyperventilation of the Ocean.

7 days ago, I cried because I was scared.

7 days ago, I wanted to stay comfortable in my little box.

7 days ago, I jumped in the water.

7 days ago, I did something I never thought I could ever do.

7 days ago, I faced my fear, and 7 days ago, I tore that box to shreds.

My life has changed. I will never be the same person ever again. Never.

My AHH HAA moment came after the exhaustion of the physical activities of the weekend and my adrenalin levels dropped down to those of a semi normal person. I though how can I go through life settling on being comfortable because it is what I ‘think” I should do? How can I sit here and tell myself that a mediocre existence is OK for me when just a week ago, I put aside every feeling of caution and fear, closed my eyes and jumped in?

I can’t say that I will now be frolicking in the surf the next time we go to some random beach and not get those feelings of fear creep up on me, but I will at least frolic. I will no longer let fear stop me from enjoying time with my family.

This has lead me to the realization that I need free myself from this job that I really dislike. I will let go of the good salary and excellent company benefits and I will move on. I have never liked the office life. I have always wanted to be mobile and sociable. I can’t thrive in an office. I start out strong and last about a year or two then I slowly start dieing like a plant you forget to water a few too many times. The hours are ridiculous and the time is just not worth it to me. The money and benefits are not going to get me more time with my kids……

What kind of example am I setting for my kids if I continue to get up grumpy and sulk into this job that does nothing for my soul. How can I tell my kids to reach for their dreams when I am not doing that myself because of comfort and the fear of stepping outside that comfort zone? I can’t look my daughter in the eye and tell her that I will be late coming home yet again so I can’t read with her. Life is more than money and the job you do. Life is about living. I am so ready to live again. I am over being scared.

(Not to mention the fact that my working hours are completely NOT conducive to having a good diving schedule!)

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