I was visiting my girlfriend’s “My Space” web site (yes! It was accessible….sssshhhh, don’t tell etisilat, ok?), and I came to realize that I am no longer part of her “posse”. We used to be inseparable. We have known each other since the summer between 5th and 6th grade (that was 1986, people)…. I was there when she got her first bra (and she was there for mine). We used to dress like Madonna and listen to WHAM together, for God’s sake! Geeze! We started smoking together, dressed alike, sounded alike, had the same hair cut, same crushes….. You get the picture.
Somewhere along the way, I transformed from this bean pole giggly kid into the mom I am today – complete with stretch marks, grey hair and bags under my eyes. I cook every day, I clean and I spend my evenings at home talking about how tired I am. Meanwhile, she has morphed into this sex kitten complete with paid for boobs, a flat stomach and a boy friend. The friends in her photos are all young, thin ladies with colorful drinks in their hands, smiles on their faces and perfect eyeliner. I feel left out. I feel deserted and tossed aside. It is not her fault – not at all. I don’t feel like she has done anything TO me; It just hit me that I am no longer 19 years old, you know? I don’t remember life before kids. I don’t remember what it feels like to know I am sexy or to know that I am wanted. When did this happen and why didn’t I get the damn memo?
Who am I now? I have no idea, but I am too busy and tired to find out right now and that scares me. Am I going to wake up in 10 more years and have this feeling all over again? What am I supposed to do between now and then to help myself get over this? Sometime between 19 and 35, you’re supposed to have all of this stuff figured out, aren’t you? If i am no longer me, then who am I? I am a mom. I am a wife. Those are the two things that come to mind when I think about who I am. I have to be more than that, though. Being a mom and wife are two great accomplishments and I am in no way saying that it is not noble to claim those things as you, but there has to be more, doesn’t there?