Becoming not me

Have you come to the realization yet that you are no longer the person you used to be? I have. It sucks.

I was visiting my girlfriend’s “My Space” web site (yes! It was accessible….sssshhhh, don’t tell etisilat, ok?), and I came to realize that I am no longer part of her “posse”. We used to be inseparable. We have known each other since the summer between 5th and 6th grade (that was 1986, people)…. I was there when she got her first bra (and she was there for mine). We used to dress like Madonna and listen to WHAM together, for God’s sake! Geeze! We started smoking together, dressed alike, sounded alike, had the same hair cut, same crushes….. You get the picture.

Somewhere along the way, I transformed from this bean pole giggly kid into the mom I am today – complete with stretch marks, grey hair and bags under my eyes. I cook every day, I clean and I spend my evenings at home talking about how tired I am. Meanwhile, she has morphed into this sex kitten complete with paid for boobs, a flat stomach and a boy friend. The friends in her photos are all young, thin ladies with colorful drinks in their hands, smiles on their faces and perfect eyeliner. I feel left out. I feel deserted and tossed aside. It is not her fault – not at all. I don’t feel like she has done anything TO me; It just hit me that I am no longer 19 years old, you know? I don’t remember life before kids. I don’t remember what it feels like to know I am sexy or to know that I am wanted. When did this happen and why didn’t I get the damn memo?

Who am I now? I have no idea, but I am too busy and tired to find out right now and that scares me. Am I going to wake up in 10 more years and have this feeling all over again? What am I supposed to do between now and then to help myself get over this? Sometime between 19 and 35, you’re supposed to have all of this stuff figured out, aren’t you? If i am no longer me, then who am I? I am a mom. I am a wife. Those are the two things that come to mind when I think about who I am. I have to be more than that, though. Being a mom and wife are two great accomplishments and I am in no way saying that it is not noble to claim those things as you, but there has to be more, doesn’t there?

~JAM

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7 thoughts on “Becoming not me

  1. Oh there is more JAM, you’re just too tired to see it right now. Your life has changed and it’s important to do the things that make you feel happy. If you’re not then it’s time to change things so that you are happy.People change….you’ve changed and life goes on!!

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  2. Anonymous says:

    I think we need to look at how we speak to ourselves as women. You are not wife and mother , which defines you only you relationships…. but you are a commited and loyal, trustworthy person. You are not your career but you are an educated hardworking woman. Instead of being tired why don’t we feel satisfied knowing that we have achieved greatness that day ( however small).Those single skinny women would trade it in in a second I bet. Ask them. All my single friends don’t feel free. They feel lonely and empty. They all tell me how lucky I am and how they dream of being “tied” down and how they want to be exhausted surrounded by love instead of lonely in a clean house. Of course I am sure that there are exceptions …but really…I bet if you emailed that friend she would email back ” wow I am jealous”.Free weekends to drink and and be in a insecure relationship….aren’t you glad your life changed?

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  3. CG says:

    I like your blog. You say a lot that I feel, but didn’t dare think about.I am still 17 in my heart, but have managed to get married have kids and lose my identity.

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  4. Anonymous says:

    I loved this post, my friend who is also in her thirties and a mom of three little men to be, said the exact same thing, she gave up her career as a doctor to be a good mom. She felt she has lost her identity being a mom and a wife. I don’t see it this way at all, I agree with you being a mom and a wife is a BIG accopmlishment if you are happy. And I agree with anonymous, being single despite how busy i am with work and other things still feels empty and at times aimless.So let me tell you, to see a blog with a picture of a mom and her family would make me want to be that mom. Its funny how we never know how we would turn out to be.

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  5. Fortunately, all my school friends are just as mumsie as I am now. If I worked out in the gym everyday, didn’t comfort eat and spent loads on clothes and beauty treatments etc I could probably do the 31 going on 19 thing. I know how you feel, the other day I was listening to Lily Allen and thought it wasn’t that long ago that I was 21 like her and full of sass. Then I read that she wants to settle down in the near future!

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