You guys do know I really am this crazy, right?

I have bi-polar disorder in addition to obsessive compulsive disorder…..yah, I am a blast at parties – usually as the entertainment. One of the symptoms of my bi-polar is that I take everything very personally and I over analyze things (OCD) and create problems for myself which would never exist if I had just turned my brain off and waited it out. Well, I can’t do that. Now I am all tied up in knots about something and it is really probably not a big deal, but I am still in knots. It keeps me up at night and distracts me during the day.

Have you ever thought you were a good friend to someone and then later because of their actions realize that you mean very little to them? It really hurts. I am so sad and just can’t figure out what the deal is here. I always tell my friend “mail girl” that it is sometimes harder to be a friend than it is to be a lover, and it is. With a lover, I can make excuses like “he’s a jerk”, or “the sex was terrible”, but with a friend, it is harder. I know she isn’t a jerk and I have never had sex with her – LOL! No really, you know what I mean? I think sometimes I would much rather find out that the man I have been seeing is not interested in me than realize that I don’t mean as much to a friend as I thought I did. It really hurts.

I also don’t understand why I am supposedly loved by everyone, but only one person is coming to see me off. I, at one time, had a ton of friends who I could call and could do things with or who would show up to other functions. Now that I am leaving the country, no one wants to come say good bye. No one e-mails and it feels like no one cares. Maybe I really didn’t have friends. Maybe I just thought I did. I don’t know. I really don’t care. But I must, or it wouldn’t bother me so much. It is things like this move that have really shown me who my true friends are. I am thinking there would be nothing to keep me from someone I cared about if they were leaving the country not to return for 6 years or more. I don’t know. That’s just the sort of person I am. I guess I shouldn’t worry about it. It is what it is and I can’t change it, right?

Que sera…..

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3 thoughts on “You guys do know I really am this crazy, right?

  1. despite what you may think i don’t think your crazy and I love and miss you lots and lots.Don’t take everything so personally. Everyone’s life runs a different pace with different things demanding attention. Wished i could make it down to see you, but at the rate i’m going i’ll be lucky to have a place to live by sept. It’s not the end of the world, we’ll still keep in touch and send e-mails and blog (or all of the above). I’m really excited about your move. i think that it will be good for the entire family. Glad to here P-man is doing alright. Take care, type at you later.

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  2. Hey girl!I know what you mean, I have been through the same things you go through. It made me bond with my husband more and I’ve realized that with this moving overseas and stuff you really truly only have each other. It’s scary but in a way also comforting. I know you and the major are already bonded ‘majorly’ and my guess is this will bring you even closer together. It must be so hard to with him so far away at the moment!I have a theory about the girl friends who all of a sudden seem to forget you exist. My guess is that they are jealous in a way. Maybe you are doing things, going places they only can dream of. Their loss, they could share your adventures and be proud of you but this is a me, me me society and a lot of people don’t like it if you grow and they don’t.I love reading your blog (I’m working on mine) and am amazed by the way you handle everything. You rock girlfriend!—ChristineFrance

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