I have bi-polar disorder in addition to obsessive compulsive disorder…..yah, I am a blast at parties – usually as the entertainment. One of the symptoms of my bi-polar is that I take everything very personally and I over analyze things (OCD) and create problems for myself which would never exist if I had just turned my brain off and waited it out. Well, I can’t do that. Now I am all tied up in knots about something and it is really probably not a big deal, but I am still in knots. It keeps me up at night and distracts me during the day.
Have you ever thought you were a good friend to someone and then later because of their actions realize that you mean very little to them? It really hurts. I am so sad and just can’t figure out what the deal is here. I always tell my friend “mail girl” that it is sometimes harder to be a friend than it is to be a lover, and it is. With a lover, I can make excuses like “he’s a jerk”, or “the sex was terrible”, but with a friend, it is harder. I know she isn’t a jerk and I have never had sex with her – LOL! No really, you know what I mean? I think sometimes I would much rather find out that the man I have been seeing is not interested in me than realize that I don’t mean as much to a friend as I thought I did. It really hurts.
I also don’t understand why I am supposedly loved by everyone, but only one person is coming to see me off. I, at one time, had a ton of friends who I could call and could do things with or who would show up to other functions. Now that I am leaving the country, no one wants to come say good bye. No one e-mails and it feels like no one cares. Maybe I really didn’t have friends. Maybe I just thought I did. I don’t know. I really don’t care. But I must, or it wouldn’t bother me so much. It is things like this move that have really shown me who my true friends are. I am thinking there would be nothing to keep me from someone I cared about if they were leaving the country not to return for 6 years or more. I don’t know. That’s just the sort of person I am. I guess I shouldn’t worry about it. It is what it is and I can’t change it, right?