I think….no, I know that a large piece of my heart left on that plane with the husband. Any of you who know me personally, know how the husband and I are, and so, you probably also know that I am completely miserable and pathetic.
It seems like my life was so full of chaos and trauma before I met the husband. When he came along, it all melted away and he was my rock, my stability and my savior. He’s gone now and although it has only been what? 3 days…..GOD! It has to have been longer than that! I feel all that uncertainty and craziness trying to creep back into my brain. I can almost feel my soul falling down the stair well into the deep dark hallway of depression and withdrawal. The really bad part is that my father-in-law has also left, so I have no adult here to help me.
I don’t sleep. The Ambien is not working anymore….not even when I take it with bourbon. I am trying to keep busy and focused on other things, but my mind wonders and I transform into this mindless zombie who is just going through the motions of what should be my life, but it feels like a prison of loneliness.
I miss his smell, his touch and even his bad habits. I miss his snoring and how he would always rub my shoulders or grab my butt when I walked by or sat next to him. It is really amazing how resilient the kids are though. They haven’t asked or cried for him at all. That is not a bad thing. I think they just know that he went up in the air on an air plane and we will see him later. I think as the weeks pass, this may change though. I try not to let onto them how upset I am which is almost making my anguish worse. I just really have no choice. I don’t want to torture my kids like that.
I am trying to focus on improving myself in the time we are apart. I would like to lose 15 – 20 pounds in three months. So far, I have changed my portion sizes and have started eating just veggies and fruit for lunch. I still have three cups of coffee for breakfast, but hope to end that and switch to actual food eventually. Today I had cherry tomatoes, baby carrots, a peach, a banana and 1.5 cups of plain pop corn. Is that ok? I don’t know. I am not up on all this diet crap. I have never been on a diet and I have no idea if I am doing it right. That exercise thing has been alluding me though. Not so sure I am too keen on that part of the deal. I am trying though. It is a feeble attempt, at best, but hey, I’m new at this.
OK, so any ideas on how I can slim down, let me know – as long as they are healthy….tried the anorexia thing when I was younger and all it got me was a 6 month stay in a hospital since I was 85 pounds and 16 years old… See??? I really am crazy…..you though I was kidding, didn’t you?
OK, that’s all. The little daemons in my brain have gone to bed. My kids are fighting and I am still in my bathing suit from giving my father-in-law’s two HUGE Labradors baths this morning.