Sleep deprevation

I was up until 5 am. I hate it when the husband goes out of town. There is some real crap on television that time of the morning! Boy child came out at 4:50 and sat with me for a while. He ended up in a sleeping bag next to my side of the bed and slept there the rest of the night.

The kids are excited about the upcoming move. They can’t wait to get on the airplane. I just can’t wait to get it over with. It is all so stressful for me, and I still don’t feel like I am being supported. It kills me that I have taken so much time to research and ask questions and dig for information and yet, to most, I am still making a big mistake. How can I pass this up? This is one of those, if I don’t do it, I will regret for the rest of my life type things. I am a grown woman and I am intelligent enough to not take my children to a dangerous place. I am not “poor little crazy me” anymore and I take offence that people would think I would knowingly put my children in danger. Go do some research! Go to http://www.expatmum.com and go visit their message boards; “talk” to the people who already live there, or find a link to a Gulf newspaper. Most of all, I just wish you could give me some credit for making an informed decision and know that whatever feelings of anxiety you are having, I am having them tenfold, but for different reasons. I am not worried about our safety once we get there, I have talked to enough people to know that it is no more dangerous n the UAE as it is here in the US. BUT….I hate to fly and we are going to be an air plane for 12 + hours – not fun for me. We are moving – guess who gets to do the sorting and packing? ME – not fun for me. I have to sell most of our belongings – including toys. Have you ever tried to explain to a 4 year old why you have to sell his robot toys? Not fun for me. We are moving to a country that averages 105 degrees in the summer with 100% humidity. I hate the heat – not fun for me. I have two kids that need to be enrolled into school, but the school has to be paid in advance and the amount of money that needs to be paid is more than the Husband and I have made in one single year since we have been married and although I know it is paid for, when you have never had that amount of money, it is hard to imagine that you ever will – not fun for me. I still have to continue with life as normal here because the husband hasn’t given his notice at work – not fun for me. I have to get medical records, shot records, fingerprints, wills, guardianship papers, etc… all ready, copied and distributed before we go – not fun for me. And I can’t talk to my family about any of my anxieties because I know they won’t help me as they don’t approve, then on the other hand, I don’t want to talk to them about it because I don’t want to give them any more ammunition to try and keep the kids and me here.

Have you ever had a huge problem that has been eating at your soul and you desperately want to hear from someone that it will be ok, but you can’t tell anyone about it because they are not open to hear it? Well, my shoulder is numb, I can barely get out of bed in the mornings and I am so scared to leave my family, but now that I feel the lack of trust and respect, I can’t wait to get away, and I really hate that. I hate that I am afraid to call my grandmother and tell her. I hate that I feel like I have to walk on egg shells with my father and cousins and aunts and uncles. I hate that I am asked the same questions every day by everyone from my mom to the mom of my kids’ friend who I confided in. I hate that no one has asked me how I feel about this – after all, I am the one moving, am I right? I am leaving my family – the most important thing in my life. I am leaving my best friend who I just recently reconnected with after 6 years. I am taking my children away from their grandparents – do you know the amount of guilt that fills me with? So why are you doing it? Well, when am I ever going to get another chance to take my children to such a different and mysterious place? When am I going to get the chance to take my children to visit the pyramids in the summer, London in the winter, to go to the Sydney Opera house…to take a 4 hour plane ride to China…. How can I possibly deny my children this opportunity just because there is a remote possibility that something bad will happen? There is a remote possibility that something bad will happen right here where I currently live also. Hell, we got a front row seat to a gang shoot out a few weeks ago while we were downtown shopping. What I am trying to say is that I don’t want our kids to be stuck like we feel we are stuck right now. I don’t want our kids to have to call grandpa(s) because they are short on the rent this month or can’t buy groceries next month. I want my kids to know what the wonderful thing that are out there are and I want to give them the opportunity to see and touch them instead of just seeing them in a text book. I want my kids to have opportunities and wonderful experiences seeing the world. I want them to know that they can go to Oxford or Oklahoma State University if they want – but I want to give them the freedom to go to Oxford if they want. I want to give my kids a chance at greatness and right now, this is the opportunity we have been given and we are going to take it. Does that make sense?

Besides, I HATE small town America and I WANT OUT!!!!

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One thought on “Sleep deprevation

  1. I know moving to a foreign country and away from everyone you know and love is scary, but you are 100% right in giving your children the chance to experience life and different cultures first hand. Right on, mama!!

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